Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret —it leads only to evil. (Psalm 37:5-8)
This month’s post has been difficult for me to write. I haven’t been able to adequately verbalize what I’ve been feeling. I know the turmoil that has been in my heart. I just don’t know quite how to explain it.
It’s been a month of introspection, a month of honest assessment. I won’t lie… I don’t like a lot of what I’m seeing. If this was my first rodeo, I could forgive myself more readily. But it’s not. I have been here before, and I find myself here again.
I really just want to kick myself in the rear. When will I finally figure it out?
When will I learn to trust that God is in control and knows what He is doing?
I won’t get into the gory details. Let’s just say that a company I use made a decision that affected me professionally, and that decision went against the very terms of service and rules that they dictated. At first I was sure that it was simply a misunderstanding, that they had gotten the particulars and parties confused. After the second go-round of disputes, I realized that they had not, but either could not or would not see the hypocrisy of what they were doing. By the third round of disputes, I was not only insulted, but livid. They never ruled in my favor. They stuck to their guns.
For the past month that decision has stuck in my craw. It was unjustified. It went against the company’s own rules and terms of service. I could not get this out of my head. The injustice sunk poisonous claws in my psyche that no amount of effort could pry loose.
And then I came across something that made me realize that had the company not ruled against me, I would have been stuck with an even more hostile situation that could have gotten very ugly, very quickly. My ego instantly deflated. My bitterness was vaporized. What remained was shame.
I had questioned God’s motives for all this. I had been angry about a decision that was unjust. This wasn’t the first time I had come up against something in the same vein. Other times were health issues, the bouncing from one city to the next with our family, a sick child, a discordant childhood. Most of the time, in the aftermath (whether it was weeks, months, or even years later), God would finally reveal the why of it all.
You would think that I would learn to trust Him more readily.
However, I know that God is sympathetic and compassionate about my deficiencies. He stands ready to forgive, even when I find it hard to forgive myself. Each time He asks me, “Do you love Me?” and each time He is there with open arms to set me back on the path again.
As are we all, I am human and frail. I still see situations where I don’t understand. For instance, our fellow Faithwriter, Jess Capps… why should this young mother be going through the constant setbacks with her heart transplant, for months, when an old geezer like Dick Cheney breezed through the same surgery and was out of the hospital in 10 days? Why does that young boy in our church, all of 5 years of age, have to endure the cancer he’s been stricken with and the harsh chemo treatments he’s going through now? Why do godly friends I know lose almost everything when those who seem to do everything against God skate through life, seemingly unscathed? There are so many, many things I want to question, but in my heart, no matter what, that Voice still insists that He is in control.
Trusting God is hard. Trusting God sometimes requires a sacrifice of self and letting go of the questions and bitterness, even when we cannot comprehend the why of it all.
It all comes down to this … He has shown Himself so faithful in the past that I cannot help but trust Him for my future.
God keep me willing to place that future in His hands.
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. (Psalm 37:3)